I Wanna be a Super Woman

Di umurku yang ke 23 ini, aku baru sadar kalau segala sesuatu ada masanya dan tugasku hanya berusaha untuk meraih mimpi supaya dapat membahagiakan ibu dan diriku sendiri. Ok mungkin kalau aku bilang segala sesuatu ada masanya, ini masih terlalu general, let me make it more specific.

First, soal pertemanan aku sudah mulai tidak sealay jablay dulu. I don’t really care will they leave me or not, as long as I don’t have a mistake, and I am right, I am okay. Mungkin untuk sampai ke tahap ini nggak mudah. Ada hari dimana aku nangis, merasa kesepian, kangen kenangan bersama mereka (orang yang ninggalin aku), tapi ya seiring berjalannya waktu semua itu sembuh dengan usaha yang tentunya tidak mudah. And I really want to say thank you for every close friends who still stay with me.

Second, soal keluarga aku sudah mulai menyaring seperti apa sebenarnya mereka terhadap aku. To be honest, for me, no one is as important as my mom and silung. On the other hand, in my opinion, everyone can hurt me but my mom and silung. It sounds like cruel, doesn’t it? But as time goes by, I realize that I just need to prioritise my mom, silung, and my self.

Third, soal pertanyaan aneh yang sering muncul mulai “kapan nikah”, “kapan masuk s2”, “kapan jadi dosen?”, “kapan pulang kampung/boyong” dan sejuta pertanyaan yang kalau aku balas dengan pertanyaan “terus kalian kapan meninggal?” pasti mereka akan marah padahal ya pertanyaan-pertanyaan mereka kan sama saja, sama-sama jawabannya masih menjadi rahasia Tuhan. Jadi, mari kurangi kepo terhadap kehidupan orang lain ya pemirsa.

But diantara tiga hal tadi, one thing that I can’t handle till right now, that is my own fear. Ketakutan-ketakutan yang selalu membuat aku nangis ke Tuhan, dan ibu, but life must go on. Aku tidak bisa hidup dengan ketakutan-ketakutan itu selamanya karena mereka akan selalu mengekor. The thing that I can do is I just need to do my best, pray to God, and struggle as hard as possible. Mungkin jalannya bisa berbelok-belok, but see you still survive till right now. Kalau boleh throwback ke tahun 2018-2020 where I felt so upset, I never imagined that I can stay and survive till this time. Getting a cancer, kena tipu ibu kos, kesulitan finansial, insecure dengan teman-teman kelas sendiri, dan sejuta cobaan hidup lainnya made me strong till right now, and I still believe that I will be stronger than before. Mom, I will make it!

This writing doesn’t contain a specific topic, but i am satisfied karena unek-unek di kepalaku sudah keluar dan akan diisi dengan unek-unek yang lain haha. Bye gaes, enjoy the reading, and see you on top!

Q&A Part 1 (Academic)

Hi, maybe this writing will answer some questions from all of you about my academic journey because as you know, I am trying my best to accept those questions although sometimes it hurts me. Don’t worry I am hurted just because sometimes I didn’t get it yet, dan ya tau sendiri lah ya bagaimana rasanya ditanya tentang sesuatu yang belum berhasil kita gapai “Kapan selesai skripsinya” misalnya.

Well, let me start the Q&A session

Q : Kenapa mengambil prodi Sastra Inggris di S1?

A : Because I like English so much. Aku tidak pintar bahasa Inggris, tapi aku suka bahasa Inggris sehingga kecintaanku terhadap bahasa Inggris menuntunku hingga aku berada di tempat (Jogja) saat ini dan insyaAllah tetap akan menuntunku untuk menggapai mimpiku yang lain.

Q : Bagaimana caranya lulus 3,5 tahun?

A : Harus membuat target dan timeline yang jelas. Selain itu, untuk lulus 3,5 tahun, salah satu hal penting yang harus dan wajib dilakukan adalah harus konsisten dalam mengerjakan tugas akhir/skripsi. Btw , your circle also ca support you to finish your graduating paper, so be selective in choosing a circle. For me, circle itu penting, circle main tidak akan sama dengan circle ngambis, circle deeptalk tidak akan sama dengan circle kerja, dll. But again, everyone has their own choices

Q : Setelah lulus S1 apakah masih aktif di organisasi?

A : insyaAllah yes walaupun tidak akan sama dengan organisasi yang diikuti selama S1, but the main point is I still want to join some organizations that can support me to be more extrovert and to be a place where I can explore many things.

Q : Apakah akan lanjut S2?

A : Yes, I will continue my magister, please pray for me.

Q : Kenapa tidak langsung S2 di tahun 2022?

A : Well, ini adalah pertanyaan yang mungkin kalau aku jawab semuanya pasti tidak akan selesai dalam satu kali duduk, but let me answer it briefly. Banyak hal yang membuat aku mempertimbangkan untuk melanjutkan s2 di tahun 2023 ini yang salah satunya adalah because of my financial. Sejak lulus S1, I promised to my self for not asking money to my mom, and Alhamdulillah I can get a job as a teacher before I graduated from college. Because I must be independent, jadi untuk uang pendaftaran yang memang tidak murah, of course I must save my money first, so for you gaes yang ingin lanjut S2, please prepare your financial kecuali kalian sudah ada BPI (Beasiswa Bapak Ibu) hehe. Second, alasanku tidak langsung melanjutkan S2 adalah karena aku tidak memperhatikan timeline pendaftaran S2 di kampus yang aku inginkan sebelum lulus sehingga ketika lulus ternyata pendaftarannya sudah tutup. Just as a lesson, buat yang ingin lanjut S2, please prepare it jauh-jauh hari sebelum kalian lulus ya supaya bisa sat set sat set. Third, prodi (Linguistik) yang ingin aku ambil hanya buka sekali dalam satu tahun sehingga I must wait for it (again alasan ini karena kecerobohanku yang tidak riset jauh-jauh hari sebelum lulus, but ya itu sudah berlalu), and now Alhamdulillah I am accepted in my new college, just pray for my best because I don’t know what will happen next.

Q : Kenapa tidak S2 di luar negeri? Kan sudah bisa bahasa Inggris?

A : Karena aku tidak ingin jauh-jauh dari emmak. Well, my mom is a single parent, so I must make sure that I can go home at least four times in a year to accompany my mom. Besides, emmak memang belum memberikan izin untuk mengambil kampus di luar negeri karena beliau khawatir kalau aku tidak bisa pulang dengan jangka waktu yang sangat lama (2 tahun). Awalnya diri ini memang sudah ambis buat continue my magister in Beijing (my dream college) bahkan hal itu sudah aku persiapkan sejak kelas 3 SMA, but yaa aku tidak akan berani melangkah kalau ridha emmak tidak ku dapatkan, so I will continue my magister in Indonesia. My mom is my everything!

Q : Bagaimana caranya supaya tetap istiqamah dalam memiliki keinginan untuk lanjut S2?

A : Know your priority. Kalau S2 memang adalah prioritasmu, insyaAllah pasti tetap istiqamah menjaga keinginan itu dan juga ikhtiar untuk mendapatkannya walaupun mungkin sudah sibuk dengan kerja, keluarga, dll.

Q : Kamu kuliah S2 dengan beasiswa atau mandiri?

A : I am still trying to get a scholarship, please pray for me kalaupun nanti takdir tidak mengizinkanku for getting sholarship, ya semoga diberikan jalan kemudahan yang lain aameen. Allah will help me because I want to seek knowledge.

Q : Melanjutkan S2 hanya keinginanmu atau keinginan emmakmu?

A : Keinginan kami berdua. Either my mom or me my self really want it. Plese pray for our dreams.

Q : How if your planning can not go well?

A : I will never give up, and I believe that Allah SWT will help me. 

So, these are answers from some questions that I got from June 2022 until now. Some questions are not answered yet, but ya I will answer it next time. Thanks gaes for reading, and again please pray for me and see you on top!

A Memory

When you listen to the word of love, what will you think? Happy, sad, or just feeling like you can not forget that person?

As I grow up, what I learnt is not only a happy love, but also the sad one. Did you have an experience when you love someone, but you could not gather with him/her becuse of some reasons?

I have. When I was 16 years old, I fell in love for the first time. I couldn’t stop to think about him although we couldn’t meet. I still remember how I used to write about him on my diary book and hoped to show him about it when we could stay together in the future. In my 18 years old, I must accept a fact that he didn’t love me. How did I know? Someone told me about it till I finally decided to move to the new city where I am right now. Long story short, I still couldn’t forget him. For several times, I tried to block his number and stopped to chat with him, but they were useless.

“He became a better man, and he could be a good leader” someone told me once upon a time when I was doing my research. The feeling when I heard his name is still the same. I felt so happy to know that he could become a better man because I know he is kind of an introvert man. I was happy because I know that his process to be a leader in his local organization is not easy, but I was also worried of him. I used to think how if he would feel tired during became a leader. If I can say, I can not love someone easily, but once I love someone, I do care all about him.

In the end of 2021, I challenged my self to ask him about his feeling to me, then the answer finally made me succeeded to forget all about him and decided to regard him just as a friend. That frustrates me so much. I cried in my room while thinking that was I loveable or not?

It was a beautiful afternoon when I saw a girl who sat alone in front of me when I was at a cafe. She greeted me then asked me why was I alone. Time by time, whe shared something together then she told me “you can not forget someone totally, but the only one thing that you can do is just to know that your journey is too beautiful, so don’t waste your time”. Since that time, we become a friend.

This is the sad part, I need long process to finally realize that everything will come in the right time. When I saw him for the first time after I healed my self, I felt like I am proud of my self to finally continue my journey and so do with him. We will walk with our own road map, and we will let the world and God decide will we meet again as a friend or more or not. Loving someone sometimes can be so hurtful, but it is a beautiful feeling when you can love them without giving any expectations.

Dealing with Loneliness

People always say “people come, and people go”, and I totally agree with that statement. Well, when people left us, it would be so broken. My first and second month of 2023 are so colorfull. Sometimes, I cried alone in the middle of my room just thinking that everyone starts to leave me one by one. Day by day, my feeling is getting worse. I blamed my self and everyone who left me, but one day I realized that nothing can stay forever with us even our own selves. Everyone has their own life, and I could not be selfish to force them to stay with me or just to always be there beside me when I need them. I started to go to a cafe or just a place where I can see a beautiful view alone although at first, I felt that it was weird, and sometimes I was afraid, but then I enjoyed it. Did I forget my friends? NO. I never forgot anyone in my life either the best one or the worst one. I just let my self to learn about how to be independent, so I won’t be as broken as before when someone left me. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been kind of emotional. I have a lot of feelings that I can’t tell anyone. I just wrote it on my diary book although sometimes I thought that I was like my own self in several years ago. “If you don’t want to be left by someone, just find a partner” someone told me when I told her about what I felt. Well, I disagree with her statement. Finding a partner is not just because we are feeling lonely because a partner can also leave us, so just find the best one when you are ready enough to have a relationship. The idea of loneliness has always been at the forefront of my mind. Now I know how to deal with that although sometimes I still feel so broken, but I believe that life is about process.

One day, my friend told me that he was so difficult to find a friend just to drink a cup of coffee. I kew him although not very well. He was known by most people, so I was shocked when he told me about it. Then, I realized one thing that everyone has loneliness side, but we must deal with that. I push my self hardly to deal with loneliness, and when I succeed, I thank my self because it was not an easy journey. Dear all fighters, just remember that you have your self, and that’s enough.

"How If?"

"Will I give up now?"

"How if I fail?" 

Oh God, this is too hard for m, and I can't handle this"

Some thought of mine from the first January - right now. I know that everyone is struggling with their own journey, but in this year, God really showed and taught me that is never easy. This dunya is only a place to see how patient we are to face all of these challenges. 

"Why was she fine and had a better journey than me?" 

The second problem of mine is I couldn't stop to compare my self with others. But again, life is a process. Day by day, I compared my self, and then I was grateful, and it was repeated in the next day till I realized that Allah SWT will never give the same portion for his slave. Allah SWT knows the best.

I was busy with my work. Everyone knows that my schedule is full, but they never knew how I handle all schedules. They never knew how hard for me to give "me time" for my self, and they never knew that I am doing this because I need it. 

Did I ever feel lonely? The answer is totally yes. It was almost everyday for me to feel lonely, but I guessed that it was not really hard for a person who has an introvert side like me.

Well, sometimes life is too complicated and full of problems, but don't ever forget that you are not the only one person who got the challenges, so just face it and be patient. Trust me, You Will shine. 

With love

Yuli

The Lowest Month

Talking about 2023, and now is still February. It means that I've just passed my January. I can't describe how hurted i am in January, but I can't also describe how those pain taught me so much strenght. Sometimes I just wanna be animal who do not think about something, but you know that's Impossible. January taught me some lessons below.

First, January taught me that I am not ready to fall in love again. If you are in a situation where you can not understand people whom you love, so we are on the same boat. I don't know is this normal or not, but I guess everone will feel it in different time. I am afraid of falling in love, I am afraid of knowing a new guy, I am afraid of talking with boys about my privacy, and yess I just trust my best friend to hear about this till they said "Every feeling is real and you don't need to deny it".

Second, January taught me about failure. For the first time in my 2023, I got failure in my academic. Was I sad? Of course YES. I felt so broken heart after looked at the announcement, and I cried till I didn't teach during two days. "Success and failure are the color of your journey" My mom said via telephone while comforting me. It was not success till one day, I stayed alone and did my reflection while remembering my mom and something that happened in the latest of my life. I realized that I got failure more than once, and see I still got my dream, so now I believe that every struggles will give you sweet results. besides, the most important thing to remember is you do not compete with other people, but you compete with your own self.

And the last, January taught me that now is already the time for me to think about not only my self, but also my mom. You know, what I mean is not about one thing, but it's about everything (Financial, Health, Happiness, and Decision). I can't tell how hurted I am at that time when I was faced with the worst thing in my family. I cried like I don't care people will listen or not. I told my self for giving up, but my mind denied it.

Last but not least, I just wanna tell my self and everyone who is in the lowest moment now that God will never leave you even when you don't have someone to hug you. Remember Allah is with you.🤗

Knowing my Self

When I was 21 and 22 years old, I thought that knowing ourselves is not really important because at that time, I don't face any hard challenges. But day by day, I realized that knowing my self is the most important thing in my life. Well, it can be started from a question "what do I want in my life?". Well, maybe if U answered this question, it can be answered that I want to be an independent girl, I want to be a lecturer, I want to be a great and good woman, and I want to be a good woman. But how if I can't achieve those dreams? How if I fail? One day, I got a failure in my life when I was seventh semester. I was confused about something that I must do at that time. Sometimes my mind guided me to cry for the whole day to express my sadness. Meanwhile, on the other side, my mind also guided me to be a strong girl and to hold on my tears. Those two things are reversed, aren't they? And can you imagine how hard I am to know what I really wanted to do at that time? From that experience, one thing that I can tell my self that knowing my self is really really important especially about my own emotions. Here are some points that become parts of my life, but I've just realized about it.

1. I dislike to get a rejection

Since I was a child, I used to cry and feel so broken heart if my mom forbad me to follow her to the market or shop. Right now, I still felt it even for a small thing, e.g my friends didn't want to go to a place, but now I realized that everyone has their own business.

2. I dislike failures

For this one, I guess everyone feels it too, but the problem is I used to blame my self for every failures that I got.

3. I am too hard on my self

I guess, everyone realizes it too wkwkwk. Yes, I realized that sometimes I was too hard on my self. I will do my assignment although I am tired, sick, and feeling burnout

4. I always make other people as a priority

Every I meet other people, I used to tell my self to make them as a priority till I didn't realize that I often hurt my own self.

5. I am afraid of losing people whom I love

Being a single child is such a privilege sometimes, but not for this one. When I find people whom I love, I will love them so much till I didn't realize that everyone can change either because of the situation or other reasons.

From those points, now I know how to overcome my own emotion and love my self more and more, so by that way, I can make other people whom I love happy including my mom