A Memory

When you listen to the word of love, what will you think? Happy, sad, or just feeling like you can not forget that person?

As I grow up, what I learnt is not only a happy love, but also the sad one. Did you have an experience when you love someone, but you could not gather with him/her becuse of some reasons?

I have. When I was 16 years old, I fell in love for the first time. I couldn’t stop to think about him although we couldn’t meet. I still remember how I used to write about him on my diary book and hoped to show him about it when we could stay together in the future. In my 18 years old, I must accept a fact that he didn’t love me. How did I know? Someone told me about it till I finally decided to move to the new city where I am right now. Long story short, I still couldn’t forget him. For several times, I tried to block his number and stopped to chat with him, but they were useless.

“He became a better man, and he could be a good leader” someone told me once upon a time when I was doing my research. The feeling when I heard his name is still the same. I felt so happy to know that he could become a better man because I know he is kind of an introvert man. I was happy because I know that his process to be a leader in his local organization is not easy, but I was also worried of him. I used to think how if he would feel tired during became a leader. If I can say, I can not love someone easily, but once I love someone, I do care all about him.

In the end of 2021, I challenged my self to ask him about his feeling to me, then the answer finally made me succeeded to forget all about him and decided to regard him just as a friend. That frustrates me so much. I cried in my room while thinking that was I loveable or not?

It was a beautiful afternoon when I saw a girl who sat alone in front of me when I was at a cafe. She greeted me then asked me why was I alone. Time by time, whe shared something together then she told me “you can not forget someone totally, but the only one thing that you can do is just to know that your journey is too beautiful, so don’t waste your time”. Since that time, we become a friend.

This is the sad part, I need long process to finally realize that everything will come in the right time. When I saw him for the first time after I healed my self, I felt like I am proud of my self to finally continue my journey and so do with him. We will walk with our own road map, and we will let the world and God decide will we meet again as a friend or more or not. Loving someone sometimes can be so hurtful, but it is a beautiful feeling when you can love them without giving any expectations.