A Memory

When you listen to the word of love, what will you think? Happy, sad, or just feeling like you can not forget that person?

As I grow up, what I learnt is not only a happy love, but also the sad one. Did you have an experience when you love someone, but you could not gather with him/her becuse of some reasons?

I have. When I was 16 years old, I fell in love for the first time. I couldn’t stop to think about him although we couldn’t meet. I still remember how I used to write about him on my diary book and hoped to show him about it when we could stay together in the future. In my 18 years old, I must accept a fact that he didn’t love me. How did I know? Someone told me about it till I finally decided to move to the new city where I am right now. Long story short, I still couldn’t forget him. For several times, I tried to block his number and stopped to chat with him, but they were useless.

“He became a better man, and he could be a good leader” someone told me once upon a time when I was doing my research. The feeling when I heard his name is still the same. I felt so happy to know that he could become a better man because I know he is kind of an introvert man. I was happy because I know that his process to be a leader in his local organization is not easy, but I was also worried of him. I used to think how if he would feel tired during became a leader. If I can say, I can not love someone easily, but once I love someone, I do care all about him.

In the end of 2021, I challenged my self to ask him about his feeling to me, then the answer finally made me succeeded to forget all about him and decided to regard him just as a friend. That frustrates me so much. I cried in my room while thinking that was I loveable or not?

It was a beautiful afternoon when I saw a girl who sat alone in front of me when I was at a cafe. She greeted me then asked me why was I alone. Time by time, whe shared something together then she told me “you can not forget someone totally, but the only one thing that you can do is just to know that your journey is too beautiful, so don’t waste your time”. Since that time, we become a friend.

This is the sad part, I need long process to finally realize that everything will come in the right time. When I saw him for the first time after I healed my self, I felt like I am proud of my self to finally continue my journey and so do with him. We will walk with our own road map, and we will let the world and God decide will we meet again as a friend or more or not. Loving someone sometimes can be so hurtful, but it is a beautiful feeling when you can love them without giving any expectations.

Dealing with Loneliness

People always say “people come, and people go”, and I totally agree with that statement. Well, when people left us, it would be so broken. My first and second month of 2023 are so colorfull. Sometimes, I cried alone in the middle of my room just thinking that everyone starts to leave me one by one. Day by day, my feeling is getting worse. I blamed my self and everyone who left me, but one day I realized that nothing can stay forever with us even our own selves. Everyone has their own life, and I could not be selfish to force them to stay with me or just to always be there beside me when I need them. I started to go to a cafe or just a place where I can see a beautiful view alone although at first, I felt that it was weird, and sometimes I was afraid, but then I enjoyed it. Did I forget my friends? NO. I never forgot anyone in my life either the best one or the worst one. I just let my self to learn about how to be independent, so I won’t be as broken as before when someone left me. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been kind of emotional. I have a lot of feelings that I can’t tell anyone. I just wrote it on my diary book although sometimes I thought that I was like my own self in several years ago. “If you don’t want to be left by someone, just find a partner” someone told me when I told her about what I felt. Well, I disagree with her statement. Finding a partner is not just because we are feeling lonely because a partner can also leave us, so just find the best one when you are ready enough to have a relationship. The idea of loneliness has always been at the forefront of my mind. Now I know how to deal with that although sometimes I still feel so broken, but I believe that life is about process.

One day, my friend told me that he was so difficult to find a friend just to drink a cup of coffee. I kew him although not very well. He was known by most people, so I was shocked when he told me about it. Then, I realized one thing that everyone has loneliness side, but we must deal with that. I push my self hardly to deal with loneliness, and when I succeed, I thank my self because it was not an easy journey. Dear all fighters, just remember that you have your self, and that’s enough.

"How If?"

"Will I give up now?"

"How if I fail?" 

Oh God, this is too hard for m, and I can't handle this"

Some thought of mine from the first January - right now. I know that everyone is struggling with their own journey, but in this year, God really showed and taught me that is never easy. This dunya is only a place to see how patient we are to face all of these challenges. 

"Why was she fine and had a better journey than me?" 

The second problem of mine is I couldn't stop to compare my self with others. But again, life is a process. Day by day, I compared my self, and then I was grateful, and it was repeated in the next day till I realized that Allah SWT will never give the same portion for his slave. Allah SWT knows the best.

I was busy with my work. Everyone knows that my schedule is full, but they never knew how I handle all schedules. They never knew how hard for me to give "me time" for my self, and they never knew that I am doing this because I need it. 

Did I ever feel lonely? The answer is totally yes. It was almost everyday for me to feel lonely, but I guessed that it was not really hard for a person who has an introvert side like me.

Well, sometimes life is too complicated and full of problems, but don't ever forget that you are not the only one person who got the challenges, so just face it and be patient. Trust me, You Will shine. 

With love

Yuli

The Lowest Month

Talking about 2023, and now is still February. It means that I've just passed my January. I can't describe how hurted i am in January, but I can't also describe how those pain taught me so much strenght. Sometimes I just wanna be animal who do not think about something, but you know that's Impossible. January taught me some lessons below.

First, January taught me that I am not ready to fall in love again. If you are in a situation where you can not understand people whom you love, so we are on the same boat. I don't know is this normal or not, but I guess everone will feel it in different time. I am afraid of falling in love, I am afraid of knowing a new guy, I am afraid of talking with boys about my privacy, and yess I just trust my best friend to hear about this till they said "Every feeling is real and you don't need to deny it".

Second, January taught me about failure. For the first time in my 2023, I got failure in my academic. Was I sad? Of course YES. I felt so broken heart after looked at the announcement, and I cried till I didn't teach during two days. "Success and failure are the color of your journey" My mom said via telephone while comforting me. It was not success till one day, I stayed alone and did my reflection while remembering my mom and something that happened in the latest of my life. I realized that I got failure more than once, and see I still got my dream, so now I believe that every struggles will give you sweet results. besides, the most important thing to remember is you do not compete with other people, but you compete with your own self.

And the last, January taught me that now is already the time for me to think about not only my self, but also my mom. You know, what I mean is not about one thing, but it's about everything (Financial, Health, Happiness, and Decision). I can't tell how hurted I am at that time when I was faced with the worst thing in my family. I cried like I don't care people will listen or not. I told my self for giving up, but my mind denied it.

Last but not least, I just wanna tell my self and everyone who is in the lowest moment now that God will never leave you even when you don't have someone to hug you. Remember Allah is with you.🤗

Knowing my Self

When I was 21 and 22 years old, I thought that knowing ourselves is not really important because at that time, I don't face any hard challenges. But day by day, I realized that knowing my self is the most important thing in my life. Well, it can be started from a question "what do I want in my life?". Well, maybe if U answered this question, it can be answered that I want to be an independent girl, I want to be a lecturer, I want to be a great and good woman, and I want to be a good woman. But how if I can't achieve those dreams? How if I fail? One day, I got a failure in my life when I was seventh semester. I was confused about something that I must do at that time. Sometimes my mind guided me to cry for the whole day to express my sadness. Meanwhile, on the other side, my mind also guided me to be a strong girl and to hold on my tears. Those two things are reversed, aren't they? And can you imagine how hard I am to know what I really wanted to do at that time? From that experience, one thing that I can tell my self that knowing my self is really really important especially about my own emotions. Here are some points that become parts of my life, but I've just realized about it.

1. I dislike to get a rejection

Since I was a child, I used to cry and feel so broken heart if my mom forbad me to follow her to the market or shop. Right now, I still felt it even for a small thing, e.g my friends didn't want to go to a place, but now I realized that everyone has their own business.

2. I dislike failures

For this one, I guess everyone feels it too, but the problem is I used to blame my self for every failures that I got.

3. I am too hard on my self

I guess, everyone realizes it too wkwkwk. Yes, I realized that sometimes I was too hard on my self. I will do my assignment although I am tired, sick, and feeling burnout

4. I always make other people as a priority

Every I meet other people, I used to tell my self to make them as a priority till I didn't realize that I often hurt my own self.

5. I am afraid of losing people whom I love

Being a single child is such a privilege sometimes, but not for this one. When I find people whom I love, I will love them so much till I didn't realize that everyone can change either because of the situation or other reasons.

From those points, now I know how to overcome my own emotion and love my self more and more, so by that way, I can make other people whom I love happy including my mom

Mencatat Pengalaman Kerja

Hello everyone... long time no greet you all🙌

     Setelah melewati minggu-minggu yang super duper hectic dengan semua drama kerjan, ngajar, rapat, persiapan cita-cita pribadi, sampai dengan drama jam tidur dan mood makan yang berantakan dan finally I can write my own story in this blog again. 

     Selama sibuk dengan kerja dalam beberapa bulan terakhir, ternyata ada hal baru yang aku sadari. Adapun hal baru tersebut adalah kebiasaanku yang perfeksionis dan ambis mulai sangat dan sangat terlihat. Menjadi orang yang ambisius dalam dunia kerja ternyata melelahkan akan tetapi, jiwa ambisius tersebut seperti sudah mendarah daging dalam tubuhku. 

     Berbicara jiwa ambisius, ada satu hal yang ternyata juga baru aku sadari. Suka bekerja dan melakukan banyak kegiatan yang merupakan kebiasaanku ternyata tidak semata-mata tumbuh dari dalam diriku sendiri melainkan juga karena sejak kecil yang aku lihat dari ibuku adalah seorang ibu yang selalu bekerja tetapi tetap bisa menjadi ibu rumah tangga yang baik.   

     Sejak bangun dari tidur di pagi hari, ibu selalu bekerja mulai pergi ke ladang, mengikuti pengajian ibu-ibu, takziah, pergi kondangan, sampai mengurus anak tunggalnya yang selalu merepotkan yang tidak lain adalah diriku sendiri hahaha. Suatu hari ketika ibu pulang dari belanja di pasar, ibu langsung siap-siap untuk melakukan kerjaan yang lain. 

     “Kayaknya ibu udah mati rasa terhadap rasa capek” batinku melihat ibu yang 24/7 rasanya penuh dengan kerjaan. 

       Jika melihat ibu tidur, maka itu hanya di malam hari. Apakah kesibukan ibu tersebut membuatnya tidak bisa menjadi ibu rumah tangga yang baik dan jam tidurnya berantakan? Jawabannya adalah TIDAK. Prinsip kerja di siang hari dan tidur di malam hari adalah prinsip yang sangat ibu terapkan dalam hidupnya. Walaupun ibu tidak penah mengatakan hal tersebut, akan tetapi aku bisa melihat implementasi prinsip tersebut dalam hidupnya.

     “Bekerja itu harus karena perempuan juga mempunyai hak untuk bekerja baik didalam rumah maupun diluar rumah” nasihat yang dikatakan ibu suatu hari kepadaku ketika aku mau kembali ke Jogja. 

       Dunia kerja memang masih sangat asing buatku tetapi dengan bekerja, aku juga menemukan banyak pelajaran yang mungkin tidak ku temukan teorinya selama duduk di bangku S1. Walaupun bekerja bukan tujuan utamaku, akan tetapi bekerja juga mendukungku untuk mencapai sesuatu yang ku inginkan. Kecintaanku terhadap dunia kerja juga tidak hanya muncul dari diri sendiri melainkan juga karena lingkunganku yang sepertinya tidak pernah diam.

Life After Graduation

     

      Biasanya hal pertama yang aku lakukan setelah bangun tidur, beres-beres kamar dan sarapan adalah mengerjakan skripsi. Anak semester akhir sekali bukan Hahaha. 

     By the way, kebiasaan itu sudah tergantikan kebiasaan lain dimana kehidupanku setelah lulus dari S1 adalah kehidupan di dunia kerja. Long story short, aku berhasil mendapatkan pekerjaan sesuai impianku where I want to work as a teacher, tetapi mimpiku buat menjadi dosen tetap dong, cuma i need time to continue my study first. 

      Untuk mendapatkan pekerjaan ini menurut orang-orang gampang, padahal they don't know the journey. Walaupun it's such a special gift for me dimana aku tidak perlu melamar even aku diminta buat ngajar karena relasi sebelumnya ketika aku menjadi asisten dosen, I still need time to adapt with my new habitual action. Masuk kerja tiga dalam seminggu membuat aku bisa mengerjakan pekerjaan lain seperti mengajar private or even masih bisa menikmati me time kalau sudah bornout tingkat dewa. Namun, di tulisan kali ini bukan hal itu yang ingin aku bahas, melainkan aku ingin bercerita bagaimana cerita-cerita yang dulu hanya biasa aku tonton di YouTube or TikTok dan sekarang menjadi kenyataan didalam hidupku haha. 

    what is that? 

      Sudah tidak asing lagi buat para alumni mahasiswa yang memasuki dunia kerja atau melanjutkan studi pasti akan merasakan yang namanya sulit bertemu teman-teman karena kesibukan yang mulai berbeda. Disaat seperti ini, ingin rasanya aku berterimakasih yang tidak terbatas buat penemu HP sehingga ketika aku pengin curhat atau sekedar ingin bertanya kabar teman-teman, kami tetap bisa komunikasi lewat sosial media. Namun, bukankah bertemu secara langsung itu lebih enak? Ya betul, tetapi memaksa orang lain untuk selalu stay disamping kita bukankah itu egois? Begitupun dengan kita yang mungkin juga tidak selalu 24/7 ada disamping mereka or even melakukan chat tiap saat bersama mereka. 

      Tadi pagi, untuk pertama kalinya setelah aku lulus dari kampus, aku menghadiri wisuda teman-teman seangkatan. Antusias, itulah perasaan pertama yang aku rasakan sebelum berangkat ke kampus. Setiba di kampus, aku melihat wajah-wajah teman yang sepertinya tidak memiliki beban, tetapi siapa sangka ketika kami bercerita satu sama lain, ternyata diantara mereka juga ada yang masih berjuang dengan mencari pekerjaan, resign dari tempat kerja, dan ada juga yang masih sibuk dengan mencari jati diri. 

       Mendengar cerita mereka, aku jadi yakin tentang satu hal bahwa semua orang itu berjuang di jalannya masing-masing. Mungkin saat ini jalanku, jalanmu, atau jalan kita memang masih berliku-liku, tetapi bukankah itu yang akan menjadi kenangan manis ketika kita sukses. Apapun pahit manisnya, tetap berjalan dan yakin that we will shine.