Q&A Part 1 (Academic)

Hi, maybe this writing will answer some questions from all of you about my academic journey because as you know, I am trying my best to accept those questions although sometimes it hurts me. Don’t worry I am hurted just because sometimes I didn’t get it yet, dan ya tau sendiri lah ya bagaimana rasanya ditanya tentang sesuatu yang belum berhasil kita gapai “Kapan selesai skripsinya” misalnya.

Well, let me start the Q&A session

Q : Kenapa mengambil prodi Sastra Inggris di S1?

A : Because I like English so much. Aku tidak pintar bahasa Inggris, tapi aku suka bahasa Inggris sehingga kecintaanku terhadap bahasa Inggris menuntunku hingga aku berada di tempat (Jogja) saat ini dan insyaAllah tetap akan menuntunku untuk menggapai mimpiku yang lain.

Q : Bagaimana caranya lulus 3,5 tahun?

A : Harus membuat target dan timeline yang jelas. Selain itu, untuk lulus 3,5 tahun, salah satu hal penting yang harus dan wajib dilakukan adalah harus konsisten dalam mengerjakan tugas akhir/skripsi. Btw , your circle also ca support you to finish your graduating paper, so be selective in choosing a circle. For me, circle itu penting, circle main tidak akan sama dengan circle ngambis, circle deeptalk tidak akan sama dengan circle kerja, dll. But again, everyone has their own choices

Q : Setelah lulus S1 apakah masih aktif di organisasi?

A : insyaAllah yes walaupun tidak akan sama dengan organisasi yang diikuti selama S1, but the main point is I still want to join some organizations that can support me to be more extrovert and to be a place where I can explore many things.

Q : Apakah akan lanjut S2?

A : Yes, I will continue my magister, please pray for me.

Q : Kenapa tidak langsung S2 di tahun 2022?

A : Well, ini adalah pertanyaan yang mungkin kalau aku jawab semuanya pasti tidak akan selesai dalam satu kali duduk, but let me answer it briefly. Banyak hal yang membuat aku mempertimbangkan untuk melanjutkan s2 di tahun 2023 ini yang salah satunya adalah because of my financial. Sejak lulus S1, I promised to my self for not asking money to my mom, and Alhamdulillah I can get a job as a teacher before I graduated from college. Because I must be independent, jadi untuk uang pendaftaran yang memang tidak murah, of course I must save my money first, so for you gaes yang ingin lanjut S2, please prepare your financial kecuali kalian sudah ada BPI (Beasiswa Bapak Ibu) hehe. Second, alasanku tidak langsung melanjutkan S2 adalah karena aku tidak memperhatikan timeline pendaftaran S2 di kampus yang aku inginkan sebelum lulus sehingga ketika lulus ternyata pendaftarannya sudah tutup. Just as a lesson, buat yang ingin lanjut S2, please prepare it jauh-jauh hari sebelum kalian lulus ya supaya bisa sat set sat set. Third, prodi (Linguistik) yang ingin aku ambil hanya buka sekali dalam satu tahun sehingga I must wait for it (again alasan ini karena kecerobohanku yang tidak riset jauh-jauh hari sebelum lulus, but ya itu sudah berlalu), and now Alhamdulillah I am accepted in my new college, just pray for my best because I don’t know what will happen next.

Q : Kenapa tidak S2 di luar negeri? Kan sudah bisa bahasa Inggris?

A : Karena aku tidak ingin jauh-jauh dari emmak. Well, my mom is a single parent, so I must make sure that I can go home at least four times in a year to accompany my mom. Besides, emmak memang belum memberikan izin untuk mengambil kampus di luar negeri karena beliau khawatir kalau aku tidak bisa pulang dengan jangka waktu yang sangat lama (2 tahun). Awalnya diri ini memang sudah ambis buat continue my magister in Beijing (my dream college) bahkan hal itu sudah aku persiapkan sejak kelas 3 SMA, but yaa aku tidak akan berani melangkah kalau ridha emmak tidak ku dapatkan, so I will continue my magister in Indonesia. My mom is my everything!

Q : Bagaimana caranya supaya tetap istiqamah dalam memiliki keinginan untuk lanjut S2?

A : Know your priority. Kalau S2 memang adalah prioritasmu, insyaAllah pasti tetap istiqamah menjaga keinginan itu dan juga ikhtiar untuk mendapatkannya walaupun mungkin sudah sibuk dengan kerja, keluarga, dll.

Q : Kamu kuliah S2 dengan beasiswa atau mandiri?

A : I am still trying to get a scholarship, please pray for me kalaupun nanti takdir tidak mengizinkanku for getting sholarship, ya semoga diberikan jalan kemudahan yang lain aameen. Allah will help me because I want to seek knowledge.

Q : Melanjutkan S2 hanya keinginanmu atau keinginan emmakmu?

A : Keinginan kami berdua. Either my mom or me my self really want it. Plese pray for our dreams.

Q : How if your planning can not go well?

A : I will never give up, and I believe that Allah SWT will help me. 

So, these are answers from some questions that I got from June 2022 until now. Some questions are not answered yet, but ya I will answer it next time. Thanks gaes for reading, and again please pray for me and see you on top!

A Memory

When you listen to the word of love, what will you think? Happy, sad, or just feeling like you can not forget that person?

As I grow up, what I learnt is not only a happy love, but also the sad one. Did you have an experience when you love someone, but you could not gather with him/her becuse of some reasons?

I have. When I was 16 years old, I fell in love for the first time. I couldn’t stop to think about him although we couldn’t meet. I still remember how I used to write about him on my diary book and hoped to show him about it when we could stay together in the future. In my 18 years old, I must accept a fact that he didn’t love me. How did I know? Someone told me about it till I finally decided to move to the new city where I am right now. Long story short, I still couldn’t forget him. For several times, I tried to block his number and stopped to chat with him, but they were useless.

“He became a better man, and he could be a good leader” someone told me once upon a time when I was doing my research. The feeling when I heard his name is still the same. I felt so happy to know that he could become a better man because I know he is kind of an introvert man. I was happy because I know that his process to be a leader in his local organization is not easy, but I was also worried of him. I used to think how if he would feel tired during became a leader. If I can say, I can not love someone easily, but once I love someone, I do care all about him.

In the end of 2021, I challenged my self to ask him about his feeling to me, then the answer finally made me succeeded to forget all about him and decided to regard him just as a friend. That frustrates me so much. I cried in my room while thinking that was I loveable or not?

It was a beautiful afternoon when I saw a girl who sat alone in front of me when I was at a cafe. She greeted me then asked me why was I alone. Time by time, whe shared something together then she told me “you can not forget someone totally, but the only one thing that you can do is just to know that your journey is too beautiful, so don’t waste your time”. Since that time, we become a friend.

This is the sad part, I need long process to finally realize that everything will come in the right time. When I saw him for the first time after I healed my self, I felt like I am proud of my self to finally continue my journey and so do with him. We will walk with our own road map, and we will let the world and God decide will we meet again as a friend or more or not. Loving someone sometimes can be so hurtful, but it is a beautiful feeling when you can love them without giving any expectations.

Dealing with Loneliness

People always say “people come, and people go”, and I totally agree with that statement. Well, when people left us, it would be so broken. My first and second month of 2023 are so colorfull. Sometimes, I cried alone in the middle of my room just thinking that everyone starts to leave me one by one. Day by day, my feeling is getting worse. I blamed my self and everyone who left me, but one day I realized that nothing can stay forever with us even our own selves. Everyone has their own life, and I could not be selfish to force them to stay with me or just to always be there beside me when I need them. I started to go to a cafe or just a place where I can see a beautiful view alone although at first, I felt that it was weird, and sometimes I was afraid, but then I enjoyed it. Did I forget my friends? NO. I never forgot anyone in my life either the best one or the worst one. I just let my self to learn about how to be independent, so I won’t be as broken as before when someone left me. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been kind of emotional. I have a lot of feelings that I can’t tell anyone. I just wrote it on my diary book although sometimes I thought that I was like my own self in several years ago. “If you don’t want to be left by someone, just find a partner” someone told me when I told her about what I felt. Well, I disagree with her statement. Finding a partner is not just because we are feeling lonely because a partner can also leave us, so just find the best one when you are ready enough to have a relationship. The idea of loneliness has always been at the forefront of my mind. Now I know how to deal with that although sometimes I still feel so broken, but I believe that life is about process.

One day, my friend told me that he was so difficult to find a friend just to drink a cup of coffee. I kew him although not very well. He was known by most people, so I was shocked when he told me about it. Then, I realized one thing that everyone has loneliness side, but we must deal with that. I push my self hardly to deal with loneliness, and when I succeed, I thank my self because it was not an easy journey. Dear all fighters, just remember that you have your self, and that’s enough.